4 Ways to Stop Arguing About Money After Marriage

Consider If It's Actually About Money

One thing we realized pretty early on, which came up in conversations with other couples who had also struggled, was that money can serve as a sensitive trigger for various other issues—security, for example, or trust.

"In a family-oriented culture like mine," explains Yaren Fadiloglulari, a blogger from Cyprus, "it's a sign of intimacy to take turns paying or [to not make] a problem out of a small amount of money." When Fadiloglulari's non-Cypriot partner, Antoine Corbillet, wanted to count nickels and dimes for each purchase, Fadiloglulari found it hurtful and cold. The two had to have some open conversations, during which they each recognized the cultural and behavioral differences between their attitudes toward spending.

"Having this conversation helped us to set up the dynamic in our relationship, [first] with financial matters, and then with our way of dealing with problems or other cultural differences that might arise," Fadiloglulari adds.

It's not just trusting people, either. The security that comes with knowing that you have a financial cushion to use in an emergency is not something to scoff at—and it's something many U.S. residents lack.

My parents always taught me to keep a strict budget, to pay myself first, and to put aside money (even a small amount) each month—because you never know what might happen. On the other hand, my partner wasn't taught to be aware of saving or budgeting and, as a result, found my financial style stifling. Meanwhile, I felt insecure and anxious, not knowing how much I was spending or saving. Like Fadiloglulari and Corbillet, we had to have a series of very vulnerable (and uncomfortable) conversations about what the act of spending represented to us and how we might go about finding a happy middle ground.

Take a Long (and Wide) View

Learning to zoom out when you're thinking about money is a revolutionary shift in perspective—and it's hard to do. Despite the difficulty, it's been one of the most helpful things for my partner and me. It's worth the initial discomfort.

After all, you and your companion have likely decided to spend the rest of your lives together, and that's a long time. How much you earn, how much money you have, what you save, and what your assets look like—will all change over time. In our marriage, we know there will be months and years in which I'm the primary breadwinner—and vice versa. When we think about things with a long-term view, they become more palatable in the short run.

This wasn't always easy for either one of us to stomach. When I quit my job in 2017, my partner became the principal wage earner—which was hard for me to accept. For me, money represents more than trust and security; it's a metaphor for worth and a source of pride. Our society tends to measure a person's worth—however reductively—by how much they have in the bank, and I had taken on, such as when my partner took on an unpaid internship, she felt the same.

We had to change how we defined the idea of contributing to the household. We learned to include contributions such as cooking, logistics, and personal growth into the overall picture—alongside any monetary value we brought into the home. We reminded one another that life is long and that we each brought ourselves (with our specific challenges) to the table. We also remembered that we have plenty of time to contribute in myriad ways to the home we're building. We're a team—not competitors in an unrelenting game of "Who Can Earn More."

Decide What Is and Isn't Up for Negotiation

Emily Bond, a Houston-based literary publicist, says as a couple, they "don't debate over necessities like childcare, internet costs, insurance, energy bills, [and] those sorts of things. That's after fighting about all of those things and realizing, with childcare especially, that it's better for everyone to have these things fully covered and not debated. We discuss big purchases before they happen, but do not go over the smaller day-to-day [expenses]."

Bond describes how, because they came from different financial backgrounds, her partner had been more of a spendthrift than Bond. But living through the Great Recession, Hurricane Harvey, and the COVID-19 pandemic together have led the pair to "adapt to one another over time," Bond continues, noting that the two of them have "taken on a similar idea of what things cost, what our financial goals are, and how we're going to get there."

We often treat everything as though it were of equal importance—but not every dollar spent weighs the same. Only you and your partner can decide what's going to make your top 10 spend-worthy list and what will fall by the wayside. Laying out the priorities of a household together is harder than it sounds, and the results will look different for each unique family situation.

Over time, my partner and I have also adapted to one another—and our household priorities have come into sharper relief as we face the challenges that life throws us. We, like Bond, don't compromise on childcare. But we happily buy generic items in bulk instead of brand-name ones to save on costs. Knowing that I feel more comfortable being aware of how much money is coming in and out, we devised a color-coded budget sheet where we track expenses together. There are also plenty of great budget apps you can use to help monitor and plan your spending. My partner also knows that discussing high upcoming costs (a car repair, for example) in advance helps me prepare myself, so I'm not as uncomfortable when the big spend happens.

My partner has learned to compare prices and be on the lookout for sales and deals; I have learned that the cheapest option isn't always the best. Sometimes it's better to spend a little more (if you can) and get something higher-quality that will last longer and likely save you money in the long run. By encouraging me to be a little less tight-fisted, my partner has taught me to enjoy the small, everyday pleasures in life and has made our lives more joyful.

We've had to realign our priorities at various junctures, such as losing a job while the other was staying home with our baby. Suddenly, we had to cut costs dramatically, and finding innovative ways to do so (buying in bulk, relying on local Facebook groups, and more) became a joint project. Having laid the groundwork by discussing financial comfort and expectations in the past made that more comfortable.

Change Your Mindset

"The attitudes that we have towards money and what we believe about money are made as we grow up," says Lisa Johnson, UK-based business strategist and entrepreneur. Growing up, Johnson frequently heard phrases such as, "money doesn't grow on trees."

"That made me think there wasn't money anywhere," Johnson explains. Similarly, because Johnson's single dad had three jobs to get by, Johnson assumed "money is hard to get." However, today, "my job right now is passive income," Johnson says. "I work the least I've worked in my life, and I earn the most, so that wasn't true. But we take on attitudes from other people as we're growing up. The money mindset that I had, for a long time, [was stopping me] from being able to make millions. I told myself things at the back of my head like, people from where I come from [in public housing] don't earn seven figures. We can tell ourselves things about money that simply aren't true."

Knowing your worth—and requesting appropriate compensation for your work—can be a steep learning curve. This was true for my partner and me, but it was crucial because we're both freelancers. Women are notoriously uncomfortable when negotiating salaries—and this discomfort with money contributes to the infamous and ongoing gender wage gap. Equally important as having the conversation, though, is the shift in mindset that allows you to stop thinking about money as something embarrassing or shameful. Taking a more matter-of-fact approach to how and what you earn or spend permits you to manage an ever-shifting financial situation.

As freelancers, there's a certain amount of inherent financial risk in our chosen careers. However, not many jobs are secure these days. Most of us will likely find ourselves staring down the barrel of a payment we can't make—whether it comes in the form of tuition, a utility bill, medical expenses, or something else. How can you be expected to face these challenges and surmount them if you can't even talk about them without getting flustered? (Answer: You can't.)

Taking the sting out of the nettle that is money talk, then, puts the power to navigate a money-driven world back where it should be—away from the misguided understanding that money is equal to self-worth and back into your hands—and into the hands of the person with whom you're traversing this complicated terrain.